My last night before dad-hood (?)

10 07 2008

An hour, more or less, till the little lady is officially due. So, after 3 weeks of being at a jungle cat-like readiness for her to pop at any time of the day, and having random passers-by cordially say how “pregnant” she is anytime we manage to get out of the house (bastards!), you’d figure I’d be at my wits end, jumping at the slightest movement from the Poofy Pear!

Well, turns out the whole “due date” thing means a whole lot less than you think. First time preggers almost ALWAYS end up going late, so, to your friendly neighbourhood birth partner, that means the trusty support-sense tingles again, and again, and again, and again, and again! But! there is hope for all us dad’s to be, working our asses off to help our girls forget about swelling, sweating, hormones, and the impending ordeal of passing a butterball turkey out of their vag-hole. This hope comes in the form of advice to try to “induce naturally,” or, more colourfully, to start screwin’!!

All that sex aside…I’m pretty excited about molding a child into a new kind of super-kid. Teaching him the in’s and out’s of dealing with retarded bullies (e.g. kick him in the nuts), telling dirty jokes (e.g. there once was a man from Enice…), how to hide those annoying puberty-boners when you have to walk through the highschool cafe (an important life skill), and that all his favorite movies, music, and clothes are total shit 🙂

….also that Jesus and Muhammed are wicked cool magicians!