Ask a Scientist

15 02 2006

i have assembled a crack team of the world’s finest scientific minds to answer any query your grey matter can concieve; guaranteed!!!

NOTE: answer not guaranteed to be scientifically-accurate


  1. Suzie Sampson Says:
    February 15th, 2006 at 9:39 pm eMr. Scientist,How can I get Chad Kruger to sleep with me?Love,Miss Suzie SampsonXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX {giggles}


Well Suzie, your answer is a simple one. The dreamy Mr. Kruger is a scientist, so be sure to first (i’m sure you’ve done this, but just incase) exhibit your Rubix cube-solving skills and your love of coffee, to him. This will show the compatability between you two. Since you two aren’t doing the jig-jig as of yet, i’m going to assume you’ve already tried this and failed miserably. You may want to study some of his favorite journals and have the abstracts from some of the papers copied on to your face, chest and genitals. Word on the street is that Chad’s sexual desires are heavily influenced by the adoption of sustainable agriculture systems and the practice and mainstreaming of the concept of sustainability into the agricultural industry, so play to his interests. If all else fails, then Chad doesn’t like you because of your intrinsic personality. You are a failure as a woman. Consider becoming a lesbian, or suicide.



Question 2:

  1. Joey Jo Jo Shabadoo Says:
    February 15th, 2006 at 11:39 pm eDear Science people,I have a question. I understand that if e=mc2 newtons 4th law of science is proven to be correct by subtracting 7 from the formula which is the same number of days in the week, as given to us by nature, courtesy of Mr. Darwin. Now Factoring in those elements, and keeping in mind that becasue of discret math we must keep this all to a hush, if we add 12 to the formula and divide by 0, after multpiplying out the “S” factor there is only one thing I don’t understand: If a Tosta Mista is made out of bread, cheese and ham, how come it tastes so good only when made by the hand of a real portuguese?


Interesting question Mr.Shabadoo. The answer lies in the genes of the Portuguese people. You see, people of the Iberian peninsula contain a very rare genetic mutation on the q arm of chromosome 7 at the COL1A2 gene, and has an origin similiar to the mutation causing MSUD. This gene encodes for collagen, which is the building block of skin and teeth. The mutation, which was introduced to the Portuguese population in 1141 by the first recognized Portuguese man, D. Manuel Santos I, and was key in seperating these people from the Spanish. The compound, ToastaMistase, allows these people to convert sardine-liver oil into a complex poly-protein compound, exuded on the skin, which acts as a flavour-enhancing additive when added to foods (added to foods by handling). So, you’ll be interested to know, that it’s not only the Toasta Mista, but all food handled by Portuguese people that is enhanced in flavour. Due to gene flow with native indians in Brasil, and any foreign sailor with a penis in the Azores, both of these populations of Portuguese people have a slightly modified ToastaMistase conformation.


Question 3:

  1. Malcolm Says:
    February 16th, 2006 at 2:16 pm eI read that its a myth that it has to be made by portuguese. The story is that the hand of the person who makes it, just has to have not been washed in days, spent handling dead animal waste, or poking around cooked st.hubert chicken (which i have no experience with). It just so happens that statistics show that 86 pecent of the time, its a portuguese person due to their unsanitary lifestyle. This which has lead everyone to believe that its a “portuguese thing”MYTH BUSTED!!!


Ladies and gentlemen, what you see here is the world’s first recorded instance of a comment posted on the internet by a shaven monkey!! My good friend !bele Motumbo of the Ivory Coast Institue for primate research has been training “Malcolm” for 7 years. As you can see he is an avid Discovery Channel fan and has grasped the human concept of synycism well. He has yet to master the abstract theory of “being funny” or the social standards of eating with a knife and fork. Interestingly, !bele tells me “Malcolm” maddly copulates with any and all male members of his species put in his reach (although he has never shown an attraction to women). This is clearly a red-letter day for primate research!!


Question 4:

  1. Alexander DeSouza Says:
    February 17th, 2006 at 7:00 pm In episode ninety-two of the “I Love Lucy” show, the Ricardo’s and Mertzes’ take on the role of hosts of diner. In the ensuing food fight a meatball is seen to float through the air seemingly oblivious to the forces of gravity. Now when Chewbacca said, “Rrrrrrrrrrr-huh-rrrrrrr-aaaaa!”, I’d originally interpreted that to mean that the atomic weight of Cobalt is 52, but in lieu of the crash landing of aliens in New Mexico I realized that I might have been mistaken, but I’d like to make sure I haven’t missed anything critically important. Please help!


I’ll have to delegate this question to the specialist on my team, Dr. Wiley (shown demonstrating his mastery over the earth’s gravitational pull), who informed me that your “I Love Lucy” question is a common one. You see, to acheive the desired effect of the eye-ball appearing to float through the air, CBS studios were faced with a daunting challenge. In lieu of the tricky camera placing that would be necessary for this plan, they decided to build an elaborate set devoid of gravity. It may seem foolish to pour all that money into a one-shot deal, but the set was later re-used to fake the moon landing! On a related note, the televised moon landing displayed in 1969 was actually a deleted scene from George Lucas’ student film THX 1138. Lucas was so stubborn to have a lunar set that he actually built a small space craft to pilot him and a cameraman to the moon! The goof was caused by an overworked intern who used the wrong tape for the news footage. For more information on the first moon landing, be sure to visit your local library listen to this 7 year old kid (he has his own news network, you know).
As for your translation, you actually did misinterpret. You see, Chewbacca is from the southern peninsula of his planet, notorious for a certain dialect of Wookanese. Now, any other wookiee talking, and you would have been correct. But in this case, he actually did answer your question. Thanks to Markus Talgorius for this input. Markus has been in love with a wookiee from Chewbacca’s region for many years and last month they finally tied the knot in a star wars-themed wedding. Following wookiee tradition, the Markus’ new father-in-law tossed the first pitch at the Boston Dirt Dogs AA baseball team’s home opener. Way to go, Markus!!

Question the fif:

This one comes from my good friend Juliana, from U of T. She asks:

Madona, i was wondering if science could help to end the war effort in Iraq?


Wow. This is a tough one. Well, Dr. Steven Wrightley, my computational modeller (seen here helping his father do his taxes) has been running some models and he tells me that there is a solution. After running countless parameters, he tells me it is my incredible head of hair that will be a major factor. I would walk down the streets of Baghdad, and little children would come up to me and say “sir, your hair is incredible! may i please touch it for just a second and ease the suffering in my life for just a moment?”. I would bend down, and lightly kiss the child on the cheek and say “my child, for you i will cut a lock of my hair, so that you may keep it with you and it’s softness will erase the pain from your soul”. Seeing this, Islamic extremists will see that not all westerns are evil and lay down their arms to help heal their land and support their people, thus ending the conflict in the middle east. American troops will return home. Seeing that the need for a war-mongering president is over, the american people will overturn their government and a utopian, gift-based economy will flourish. This will spread first to Canada (where we will remove our crappy prime minister), then it would spread throughout the world, leaving peace and happiness in all the lives of earth’s people. My voice-mail cut off the end of Dr. Wrightley’s message though, so he could be exaggerating a bit. That Steve is quite the character!

Question 6:

Mobile Says:

I have a question that maybe only you with your scientific reasoning can fully explain. Why is it that all the losers, jackasses and douchebags are getting all the hot rich ladies.?Example: Kevin federline (douchebag) married to Britney Spears, she is filthy rich and pretty damn hot. yet all the university students will be stuck in school for years to finally get a job and spend the next ten years paying off their student debts, and we don’t even get a stripper for graduation. Also will drugs really help ease the pain and suffering of this truth? Or is it just vietnamese coffee that does that?


wow! good questions!

1)yes. this “douchebag + hottie = love(?)” theorum does look daunting at first, but if we break it down, it begins to make sense. You see, as an individual’s douchebag-ery increases, we see a proportional decrease in their usefulness to society and ability to function on their own. Note the asymptope on the graph near zero usefulness, as even the epitome of douchebag-ery, the douchebag, has an inherent usefulness; as a bag for doucheing. now, pop princesses, such as britney spears, have next to no control in their creative carrers (control of their music and daily activities being contractually relegated to agents and real musicians). therefore, they require a partner whom they can control in all aspects to fill the gaping hole in their moral fabric. so, as the poptart’s hotness and success increase, they lose more control over their lives and require sleazier and sleazier partners. In January 2004, she married her highschool boyfriend to only have it annuled 55 hours later (he was, and continues to be a competant automechanic). In June of the same year she married a former dancer, Kevin Federline, who had previously had two children with Shar Jackson (…who?). After the marriage, he has moved on to starring in a failed reality show (with Britney), released a rap album (which bombed) and now releases songs sporadically on his myspace page….
2)yes. drugs solve all of life’s problems, but only the really hard ones. you will also note that vietnamese coffee is the strongest dose of caffeine and condensed milk that can be crammed into a single dose, that will not kill a man. thus, it will solve any problem, even the unavoidable truth that i will never have sex with a popstar.

Question 7:
Jamal asks:


What I wanna know is: Is Bill Cosby right or has the black middle class lost its mind?


Well Jamal, i’m a pussy and didn’t want to play around with race relationships, so i’ve once again asked my colleague !bele Motumbo (from question 3) to help me out.

He provided this as a response.

To be quite honest, i don’t what the fuck it is, or means.

a salama lakem everybody!!

Question 8:

one of my loser friends, asks:

Dear Bill Nye,

scientifically speaking, who would win in the following combative situations (if put on some sort of weird sci-fi battle planet thingy):

Winne the pooh Vs. A Care Bear

Hulk vs. King Kong

Godzilla Vs. Superman

Mike Ditka Vs. Wolverine

My little Pony Vs. Strawberry Shortcake

And Finally

The Cartoon Mc Hammer WITH Magical Shoes Vs. The Cartoon Bo Jackson from “Pro Stars”


After months of trying to find Bill Nye, I have defaulted this question to be answered by your’s truly; me.

“Winnie the Pooh vs. A Care Bear”

It is my understanding that the care bear civilization has somehow mastered the ability to walk and, infact, construct buildings on clouds, which are comprised of incorporeal water vapour. Winnie eats honey out of trees and lives in a burrow. Superior architectural knowledge aside, Care bears have those sweet cloud cars and the ability to shoot rainbow beams of raw emotion out of their chests at will. The only remaining question is whether there’d be anything left of Winnie to send back to poor Christopher Robin?

“Hulk vs. King Kong”

scenario A:

Here i will assume you mean the comic book character.

Hulk = Bruce Banner = a scientist

King Kong = giant, building-scaling ape

no contest, the Hulk

Scenario B:

in which i assume youre talking about Hulk Hogan.

King Kong squishes Hogan while the former WWF world champion is filming his promo. Thankfully, Mean Gene Okerland escapes unharmed.

“Godzilla vs. Superman”

Since Superman’s powers are the result of exposure to Earth’s yellow sun and since an inhabitable “war world”, as you suggest, would have to be far out of the range detectable by our modern telescopes, none of the sun’s rays would empower the man of steel and Godzilla would make swift work of him.

“Mike Ditka vs. Superman”

Ditka by a touch-down.

“My Little Pony vs. Strawberry Shortcake”

I happen to know, quite well, that you do not, in fact, have any sort of pony, little or otherwise. Is this a page of science questions, or a page of lies?

“The Cartoon Mc Hammer WITH Magical Shoes Vs. The Cartoon Bo Jackson from ‘Pro Stars’”

Honestly. MC Hammer, Bo Jackson, and Michael Jordan are figureheads in the african-american community. What they’ve done has inspired youth for a generation. Do you really think they’d stoop so low as to engage in black-on-black crime? No, of course not.

They team up, kill Gretzky, then discuss their favorite rap albums.

Question 9.

Molly, obviously not an alias, asks:

Dear Mr. Scientist,

Are you skilled in dream interpretation? If so, what does it mean if one dreamt that their (male) fiance had inapproriate relations with another man?


This was asked a while ago, however dreams can be tricky. I decided to pay Molly a visit and asses her situation. Upon seeing a picture of the fiance in question, I knew there was only one man for this job:

Mr. Science-Documentary

Alan Alda

“When we heard about this case, we brought Molly’s fiance into the local sleep clinic, where we would be able to watch him overnight. I had to lull the poor guy to sleep with sexy stories from my time on M*A*S*H. I’m not sure why they had to be sexy, but he was adamant. He fell asleep pretty quickly after that.

As the night went on, our resident sleep expert and his team monitored brain activity (EEG), eye movements (EOG), and heart and muscle movements that would happen during his sleep, by using a Polysomnograph. Really, that’s just a fancy word for “drawer-line-making-machine-box.” Once he reached REM sleep, the point when you start dreaming, we asked one of our two assistants to open his eyes and make kissy faces in his line of vision. Our computers could then monitor his brain activty, and determined he was more sexually aroused by assistant b than a.

Now that we knew about his closet homo-erotic fantasy, I went to the Nebraskan Institute of Dream Technology and spoke with Ms. Carol Moon-Dream, an American expert on dream interpretation. She spoke to us for 2 hours about organic foods and hemp clothing.”

Well. You heard it from the man, Alan Alda himself. Dream interpretation is non-sensical and your fiance probably loves his man-love, something fierce.

For more Alan Alda online, visit the PBS website for all your scientific needs!

Sorry Molly!! )