My last night before dad-hood (?)

An hour, more or less, till the little lady is officially due. So, after 3 weeks of being at a jungle cat-like readiness for her to pop at any time of the day, and having random passers-by cordially say how “pregnant” she is anytime we manage to get out of the house (bastards!), you’d figure I’d be at my wits end, jumping at the slightest movement from the Poofy Pear!

Well, turns out the whole “due date” thing means a whole lot less than you think. First time preggers almost ALWAYS end up going late, so, to your friendly neighbourhood birth partner, that means the trusty support-sense tingles again, and again, and again, and again, and again! But! there is hope for all us dad’s to be, working our asses off to help our girls forget about swelling, sweating, hormones, and the impending ordeal of passing a butterball turkey out of their vag-hole. This hope comes in the form of advice to try to “induce naturally,” or, more colourfully, to start screwin’!!

All that sex aside…I’m pretty excited about molding a child into a new kind of super-kid. Teaching him the in’s and out’s of dealing with retarded bullies (e.g. kick him in the nuts), telling dirty jokes (e.g. there once was a man from Enice…), how to hide those annoying puberty-boners when you have to walk through the highschool cafe (an important life skill), and that all his favorite movies, music, and clothes are total shit 🙂

….also that Jesus and Muhammed are wicked cool magicians!

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!!

Live-blogging Useless 101

Get ready kids, cause we’re fucking learning!

Here’s the skinny with this post. As of this second, I’m sitting in class learning about…searching the web.

…

rrright.

So, instead of listening (this is a graduate level course, mind you), I’m going to live blog it! woo!

18:47-it’s way too hot in here. got through typing the intro above and just clued in to professor Boring-ton. “scientific journals were created hundreds years ago, blah blah blah…”

18:49- ooo! a handout!…search assignment….good lord. are they kidding? it’s a little known fact that grad student are kings of the google search. fuckin’ google searches us, when it needs to get shit done!

18:53- unbelievable, after last weeks TWO hour class about searching the web basic, we’re going over again. “remember to you AND or OR in your searches to improve your results…” I’m sorry to all of you. These are going to be joke-less hours.

18:54-man, today, while I did my ritualistic morning blog check, I found a crazy link! I guess some group made a ridiculous SNES-style game about Charles Barkley!! You guys have got to see this! Remind me and I’ll link to it net post. Which is hopefully soon.

19:02- still on the review, so i’m going to go ahead and post a link to that game. CHARLEY BARKLEY!

19:08- this is really a very odd experience. the prof talk about searching databases for 10 minutes, and honestly doesn’t really say much, and then she goes to the computer (projected onto a screen at the front of the room, obviously) and proceedes to work through EXACTLY what she just said. But, she fiddles around like she has no idea what she’s doing. Just muttering. It’s kind of funny that this web search-ologist, or whatever her title is, still sits here and mutters about not finding what she wants to find. “is this it? nope, no, that’s not it. hmm, this looks interesting. don’t need that.”

19:12- These two hours are evidence that a reality show based on web searching would never fly…

19:14- hey, if anyone out there know a book publisher, I have a really great book idea. It’d be a cookbook, that’s doesn’t have recipes, just good combination. Like a bunch of food flow charts. So it’ll be like, “Chicken–> Do you have lemon? Yes-> grill with salt and pepper. No-> Do you have tomatoe and onion? Yes->Throw in together with chicken, and wine and bake.” So, just a bunch of simple combinations that work well, but aren’t really recipes. It’d be called “Cookbook” and you’d throw a stripper cutting a roast with a sabre saw on the cover. BANG! there’s a best seller for ya!

19:23- we just did a search for “vitamin h” to show how one of the science databases (PubMED) changes your search term. But what i want to know is, what the heck is vitamin h?

ooo! also known as Biotin, it’s used in fat and amino acid metabolism. as well as cell growth. it maintains nail and hair strength! and the bacteria in your guts makes a hell of a lot of it! Highfive bacteria!!

19:35- i just realized that i’ve been totally zoned out for the last ten minutes. i’m getting very close to live-blogging what i wish would happen in Useless 101…

19:40- my goodness! finally done review. going to learn about e-alerts that basically kick you in the ass whenever new papers in your field come out (which, for a scientist, is very useful!)

19:48- whew! we’re cooking now! along with a bit of actual interesting stuff (creating some of the dorkiest rss feeds ever !!), my multitasking skills are being tested with this window, the bbc, and messenger all blinking at me!!

20:03- this is actually pretty crazy. you can get email alerts and rss feeds for anything! as an example, this would be the same as getting notified whenever google had a new site about “cherry pie” added, if you were someone who really likes cherry pie (or vaugue sexual innuendo, i guess…)

20:06- this must be how SKYNET got out of control in Terminator. I mean one day the internet is telling you to read this, wash that, eat at this time, go to sleep now, etc; next minute, POW! fucking email alert to bow down to robotic overlords! (This made sense in my brain…somehow)

20:08- oh boy, the prof is going on with a “in my day story”…

20:09- “this is not the dark ages, im talking about. its not that long ago…”    Yeah, yeah. Save it, grandma!

20:29- well that’s it. the last twenty minutes kind of fizzeled away. two hours gone from my life! yeah, grad school!!!

Oh what could have been…

“Hurry, there’s a prowler outside my door!”

8 months and 9 days

That’s how long it took before I almost go kicked out of my PhD program.

And how did I find myself in such dire straights? Running through biology 101 naked? Selling answers to final exams out of the trunk of my car? Making black market Advil from biological grade ibuprofen? Seducing Professor Sexington??

Nope!

APPARENTLY when you finish your thesis, you’ve got to sign and submit some sort of release form that says the school can release your thesis the Library of Canada (home to other great Canadian works of literature). So the frantic call from the grad secretary led to some nasty to calls to the grad office, who are useless blowhards. Well, it could of been worse, but it sure could have been a lot more interesting!

Prowlers! Remember those? In old movies, the mousey housewife left home alone, when suddenly a gangly, white guy shows up in a large overcoat and goofy hat, just trying to catch a peek of desperate house-cooch! What ever happened to those guys? I just watched “The BAT“!! A cool, old, Vincent Prince flick where he doesn’t really do anything of interest, but just watching his hammy shwarm across each scene is prize enough to sit through this film. But the “Bat” in the picture is really nothing more than a prowler with some sewn in claws on his glove. He’s trying to get into a house (inhabited by a troupe of stereotypical ’50s ladies) to get to a stash of loot! But there’s seems to be a zillion other prowler movies out there. But they’re all pre-90s. In the neon decade, prowler movies seemed to become slasher movies, and since then prowlers have become crap-horror-cliche.

What gives??

I have a hell of a cool fiancée!

Ugh!

As it stands right now, I have about two days left until I’m back in the lab. Although I did spend a good portion of the break typing away on my computer, trying to finish the next paper in my expanding list of “need to write asap” papers, I really can’t complain. Christmas went well this year. A 5-hour stint in the local hospital waiting room was probably the worst gift I recieved this year (thanks Grandma!), my lady-friend made up for this in spades with some present purchases that went way above and beyond!

por example:

Holy

Fucking

Shit,

Batman!!

(isn’t this one incredible! it shoots plastic discs! its a parents worst nightmare!!)

But, with all this gift giving, I made sure to remember the true spirit of the season: Relax-isfaction! So, during the course of this break, I spent an inordinant amount of time watching various which I have not yet found time to watch. Now, because I love you, I will list them with a small (five words or less) review. Please enjoy.

Superbad– funnier than I thought.

I now pronouce you chuck and larry– Surprisingly, funnier than I thought.

The Bourne Ultimatum– Good fights, thrilling execution.

No Country for Old Men– Great, but needs multiple viewings.

Waitress– Unbelievably charming. Excellent acting.

The Heartbreak Kid– Crap. Crap crap crap crap.

Juno– Best movie I’ve seen this ye…(ah, to hell with the rules!)ar! A riot from start to finish, with fantastic performances from everyone involved. The witty dialogue and “NO FUCKEN’ WAY!”-type throwbacks are consistent. Please. Go see this movie. Tell your friends to see this movie. Write about this movie online. And, buy it on dvd. This is this year’s “Little Miss Sunshine”/indy movie darling. The moment the end credits began to roll, I wanted to see it again!

Well, alas, all good things must come to an end. I sit here on the eve of New Year’s Eve (an event which I hate to the n-th degree!), procrastinating with this blog rather than being hard at work. Here’s hoping that 2008 bring you all joy and happiness, and that the world somehow manages to recover from the biggest tragedy of the year! 

~Mad

p.s. get well, grandma…

A Christmas Cod Dinner

Wow, my mom has just gone old-school!Coming home for Christmas, after FINALLY moving out (listen. I’m a Portuguese male, and thus I carry the “momma’s boy” gene. It’s a miracle I’m out before I’m hitched!!), but coming back home to help out around the house was quite a blast this year. As I’m sure is true for a lot of parents who have come from “the old country,” behaviors have changed over time. Gone are the extensively planned, home-cooked masterpiece meals each night. The busy North American schedule doesn’t really give any worker time to handle something like that. Thankfully, I had a relative old-school upbringing (read: full of slaps, screaming, and hard labour). But both of my sisters recieved a little bit more of the western style of parenting, referred to as a “no fucking clue how to raise a kid” style. Well this year, with tension running high as my mother’s three children were charged with cleaning the house (and keeping my father from messing up anything we’ve cleaned), hints of the old beast came to the surface!! It was an incredible spectacle to behold!

“hey, daughter, can you please clean this up?”

“no, i’m watching tv…”

(a sly smile creeps across my mother’s face, followed what seems like the sound of snapping twigs.)

“GET OFF YOUR USELESS ASS, AND GET TO WORK! (mom’s strength kicks into overdrive, as she seems to lift and hurl my sister across the room. even after years without use, my Pavlovian response to the initial smile and sanity snap has already spring me to action, working at true immigrant speed!)

It certainly was a sight I missed.

It may not have played out EXACTLY like that, but, hey, I’m here to entertain. Can I be blamed for a little exaggeration?

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays Everyone!

~Mad and his 9-inch dick

---

Just Links Edition

i’m off to a big conference next week, so it’s just some links to keep you interested this week!

Firstly, everyone head over to the Toxic Avenger’s myspace page. This guys remixs are unbelievable! They’ll have you powering through that crappy office work like butter!

while we’re on the topic of not doing work, at work. Deflector. a simple flash game that is all about saving the world by drawing lines. This is different from the new Transformers movie, which involves saving the world with BAD dialogue.

One of the godfathers of awesomeness on tv, would have to be Bob Barker. A living legend. whatever network he’s on has been running a lot of specials about him recently (so i am told), and here is quite the clip from this week. Happy Gilmore was one of my favorite adam sandler vehicles. i’ll have to go back and watch it again…

finally, i feel it is my need to share the following with you. anyone who grew up in the shadow of the greatest movie ever will know how badly everyone wanted a hoverboard, and how many rumours arose about said hoverboard. well, i never met that 5th cousin who got one for christmas, but i can at least get us a step closer to the utopian 2015 society from BTTF2. and you should too! click the link below to find out how!

Has creativity died?

my initial plan, upon starting the Phd, was to at least post SOMETHING every friday and flex any creative muscles that remained.

Luckily, two days ago I woke up convinced that if Batman existed in our world, he would be George Cloone. I had a laundry list of evidence as well. But rather than spend a whole post on my faltering sanity, I’ve decided to spend the majority of the day outside, since we are finally having a very nice day in Waterloo, reading papers. I can tell you however, that the new project (which, at this point, is really much more of a lack thereof) is hella-frustrating and is driving me crazier than someone who wakes up convinced they’ve discovered the secret identity of a real-life Batman!

So, before I head into the sun, there’s something I have to bitch about.

Remember when this whole 80’s chic thing came along. And everyone was like, “hey remember “insert-random-thing-from-the-80’s, probably-directed-by-john-hughs”? That’s so great, we should bring stuff like that back!!”

The problem was, they really started. And in most cases, those things were better left in our childhoods (i.e. Miami Vice, and Transformers). But now it seems that you don’t have to wait anytime at all before re-makes and unrequired sequals are crapped out (generally by Hollywood). It’s pretty shitty that this retro thing just won’t go back to the underground. Back then it was cool, because it was fun and the bean counters weren’t trying to sell it so much. Bleh!

BUT!!! That being said. There is one shiny star of my childhood that, for the most part, hasn’t been seen for like 10 years. That, my friends, is RYGAR. And THIS is the face of the new Rygar. I am pumped!

here’s a Jaques Brel vid that’s positively captivating!

M!

The doctor is in.

Today is the official start of the spring term and, although I actually started doing work yesterday, my official first to of Phd-ery! So I’ve decided to give the blog a shake-up, to hopefully stimulate me to get more content flowing from my noodle.

New CC song: many of you have been witness to how retarded i have become for Crystal Castles over the last year or so. They’re a boy and a girl and they play 8-bit beats that temporally kick your ass back to days of sitting nose-close to the TV, swearing at that fucking flying Koopa that you need to run under, and the giant pit on world 8-2! the first time i saw them, i got in free by lugging in their gear and saying i was part of the band (not the first or last I have done that) and they were so good, it made sitting through an hour and a half of BAAAAD toronto hipster / folk / shit groups a lot less mind-numbing. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to see them live for a good 8 months, but they have a whole lot of content on their various myspace pages and a new remix out just the other day. Plus they’re either in europe or the US right now, so catch them if you can!

Another thing that reminds me of the old days, Sliding down railings on your ass. It used to be fun, but I think they don’t wax those rails as much as they used to because I tend to get stuck about half way down these days…

something I can’t condone though (contrary to ass rails), Alvin and the Chipmunks (wait for it) the live-action feature.

What the fuck?!

seriously…. they’re raping our youth out there.

M!

SANTO: El Enmascarado De Plata!

last night i caught Grindhouse. i have to say, it was a total blast. an excellent zombie gore-gy, full of laughs and ridiculous levels of gore (plus Tom fuckin-Savini!!). Death Proof was great too. A little long-winded, which detracted from the spirit of the feature, but the dialog was good, and the car chase scenes were really intense. I would definately say “hey, you. goober. go see Grindhouse!”

Just do it quick. I’ve heard rumblings of it being split into two films because American’s can’t stand to sit through 3 hours (/whining). fuck. maybe if theaters had food troughs full of cheeseburgers, those fat cows that make up the majority of movie-goers, would try things a little different.

then again, not everyone may be down with extreme violence and the fact that i laughed out loud when (SPOILER!) a certain young boy blows his own face off with a handgun! (bah-hahahaha)(END OF SPOILER!)

more importantly, with the creation of Machete, a planned straight-to-dvd feature, based off one of the fake trailers attached to Grindhouse, i really hope that indie cinema shifts back to the B-movie glory of days gone by.

And what better film could be made, then one featuring…

the world’s most famous luchadore,

star of over 50 films,

Mexican folk-hero and super-hero,

SANTO, EL ENMASCARADO DE PLATA

Although I have yet to see any of his films, they seem to follow a similar flow:

Santo, the silver-masked man, is living a comfy life. Fancy cars, great eats, and plenty of girls! Enter the bad guys! Ranging from mexican mobsters, to mummies, to martians; somebody shows up to ruin the party and terrorize the poor people of Mexico!

Then Santo, sometimes accompanied by his friend the Blue Demon, must show up to fight off the bad guy, and save the girl!

Generally, this involves challenging them to a fight in the ring, if my understanding is correct, but there are times that Santo has to get down and dirty in an alley with some of his luchadore friends as back-up!

I’ve tried to include as many videos as I can find, but here is an extra-special one; the one that introduced me to Santo! It’s a compilation of some of his greatest moments, including the ONLY time in his 30+ year career where he demasks! Enjoy, and, if you’re like me, you’ll be heading out to your local art-movie house to try and find anything you can featuring…

SANTO, EL ENMASCARADO DE PLATA

!M

Happy Easter!

it’s good to know that on this, the weekend which marks the anniversary of the birth of the chocolate egg, that the great Christian God has presented upon us, the true-believers, a great gift. One prophesized by two of our greatest prophets!

This gift, The Flying Car!

 

 

and what better way to be sure that said transportive vehicle of aviary excellence, be safe to the average church goer, than to sacrifice those who are the most faithful (and least useful in society): The OLD!

 

 

Buckle up, gramps! You’re heading for the skies!

“What a time to be alive,” INDEED!!

 !M

Disclaimer: I meant no offence to anyone here. God’s a good chap. Jesus died for sins this weekend (note: not just his believers, btw). And I wish everyone a happy (or dignified, if you’re Jewish) weekend.

Let’s not fight over religion, people. That’s all just storybook tales to teach kids how to behave, anyway.

Happy Easter, Everybody!